


There's an Endless Road to Rediscover

by AidaHwedo



Series: Hey, Brother [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: And boy does this boy have feelings, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Neutral Evil doesn't mean that you can't have feelings, Not beta read we die as men, Spoilers for EGTW, implied/referenced emotionally abusive parenting, spoilers for wildemount fireside chat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:48:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23933329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AidaHwedo/pseuds/AidaHwedo
Summary: Essek really just wants to be left alone thank you very much; however, certain members of his family have other ideas.
Series: Hey, Brother [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716418
Comments: 22
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I had to split this up into at least two parts possibly three depends on how long the second chapter gets, because boy does Essek have a lot of thoughts. This chapter alone is 16 pages in word single spaced in 13 point font. Hence why I wanted to post this chapter now and will hopefully have the second chapter up sometime in the next week. In that vein I will also be adding a second chapter to Do You Still Believe in One Another soon continuing the study as I was struck by inspiration for what happened after the last line. Also word to the wise this chapter hurts, because Essek is a mess and not necessarily in the best headspace. The next chapter should be a bit better.

He was supposed to be able to breathe again after the peace talks and prisoner exchange. He was supposed to have the time to go through the research he had gotten from the Assembly on the Beacons. So far neither of those had happened; he was still living with his heart in his throat and waiting for the axe to fall. Yes, he had bought himself some breathing room with arranging for Adeen to take the fall, but nothing was ever sure and as Beau had harshly (deservedly so) pointed out to him he was now also a loose end for the Assembly. A loose end that they would likely not tolerate for long. Somehow it had never occurred to Essek that by doing this he would forever spend the rest of this life (his first and only) looking over his shoulder for the knife that would surely be coming. He had commited treason, jumpstarted a war, and condemned himself to lifetime of watching his back all in the pursuit of knowledge, all to finally find out the reason why his consecution had failed; why he had been rejected. _Why am I never good enough as I am?_ Getting involved with the Cerberus Assembly had sounded like a good idea, a collection of arcanists dedicated to the pursuit and dissemination of knowledge, who better then to ask for help in researching what the Beacons actually were. After all he was an extremely talented arcanist in his own right he had hoped that there would be a mutual respect and a sharing of resources. However his most recent and extended encounter with the Martinet and other members of the assembly was very telling about just what exactly their opinion of him was. _What was that saying about hindsight?_ He had been so naïve and so sure that it would all be worth it and yet now that he had achieved his desired outcome, Essek was left feeling like it hadn’t been worth it at all. Well, no, that wasn’t true; it had been worth it, in only one regard and that was the fact that it had brought the Mighty Nein into his life. Their friendship had, for the briefest and brightest of moments, quelled the all-consuming void that seemed to yawn within him. That reason alone was the only reason that he couldn’t admit to himself that he regretted his actions because that would be tantamount to admitting that he regretted meeting them and that was not something he would ever regret. He just had to hold onto the fragile hope that he could rebuild that friendship…somehow… even if all they ever allowed him were the scraps he had right now.

A deeply displeased sigh to his left reminded him forcibly of where he was and just why losing himself in this type of introspection was a dangerous gamble. _I’ve been far too complacent if I just allowed myself to stop paying attention to her for even a moment. A few hours, just a few hours and I can return to my tower and the last vestiges of warmth and happiness that they left behind. Proof that they were, if only for an instant, friends enough that they had occupied my space and left a tangible presence to show that they existed at all._ Looking to his left to meet the Umavi’s displeased gaze, he only just stopped himself from grimacing at her expression. He was off balance and she knew it, had probably already suspected when she called for this dinner; at this point he could only hope that Verin had displeased her more. He certainly was doing an admirable job at that in not being prompt, though privately he couldn’t blame his sibling for dragging his feet and putting off coming back here for as long as possible. If Essek had been a more charitable person he would have offered to teleport him back from Bazzoxan; but, he rather doubted that, even if he _had_ offered, his brother would have accepted.

“What do you think of this peace, Essek? Is it stable or do you anticipate it crumbling within the decade?” As always it wasn’t what she that was important it was what she didn’t say that held the most information and this was no exception. _Will this surface peace last long enough for Den Thelyss to take advantage of it and put us ahead of Den Mirimm and if so how is the best way to do so?_ Loaded questions and how he answered them now may determine whether or not her attention would shift from him to Verin, if or whenever he decided to arrive. If his younger sibling weren’t such a painfully honest and upright individual he wouldn’t have put it past him to manufacture a reason to miss this dinner; after all, he made it quite clear what his opinion of them was in the way that he had enlisted in the Aurora Watch as soon as he was of eligible age and fled to the farthest outposting in the Dynasty from Rosohna.

“It’s stable in as much as any peace can be stable. I would expect that both sides will resume their shadow war in the coming years, which means that I’ll have a temporary lull in my duties but I anticipate them picking back up again within the next two years or so as both sides settle into the old wary standoff. It wouldn’t be prudent to do anything that could be construed as breaking that tentative peace. However, I do believe that thanks to the Mighty Nein we now have contact with at least one member of the Tal’Dorei council which might lead to a lucrative partnership.” There that should satisfy her questions and hopefully put her irritation and attention on Verin not himself. However, watching the way the corners of her mouth downturned slightly at the mention of the Mighty Nein she wasn’t pleased with his answer. Heart dropping from his throat to somewhere near his feet, still a good four inches off the ground even while seated, this was not going well and she was not pleased. After all she had trained him better than this, and she knew it, Essek needed to get himself under control or he would not make it through this dinner unscathed. He could not even for a moment let himself forget that this woman (in her first life) had arranged for the assassination of all of her sisters and her own mother in order to seize control of what would eventually become Den Thelyss simply to follow the woman who would eventually become Leylas Kryn out of the underdark and onto the surface. She was cunning and ruthless and expected the same from her children; and even though she had eschewed the teachings of the Spider Queen for the teachings of the Luxon the trappings of that old upbringing and mindset, though softened with each lifetime, were still present. It was a great relief for him when the double doors pushed open and Verin walked in still dressed in the characteristic wet molded and sculpted leather armor of the Aurora Watch. _At least he left the helmet behind,_ he thought taking in his younger sibling’s appearance noting with some trepidation that his brother had cut his hair. It was by no means as scandalously short as Essek’s own hair was but it was uncomfortably similar to Beauregard’s hairstyle in that the sides, at least, had been shaved from eye level back and the top had been braided into a thick braid that ended about mid back. What a pair they made; he still in the heavy ornamented mantle that denoted his position as Shadowhand and his sibling in the Aurora Watch’s armor with the silver chased details denoting the rank of Taskhand. A decade since the two of them had seen each other and yet both still felt the need to be dressed in all the trappings of rank they had in an attempt to impress the woman at the head of the table. He couldn’t even let his own personal gravitational field drop for a second, if only to remind her that it was a spell _he_ had created, tangible proof that he had achieved more in his first life than most other Graviturgists managed in six or more.

“You’re late. I expect you have a good reason for why you are tardy?” Keeping his own face impassive, he could see Verin take a steadying breath it would be interesting to see if he had gotten any better in the past decade at giving diplomatic answers. After all his younger sibling wasn’t stupid, he just didn’t have the patience to play the political games the Dens thrived on. There was certainly a reason that he had no wish for him to return to Rosohna permanently and it was only partially because his brother was generally, politically speaking, a Minotaur in a glass works. One could only hope that, with the responsibility of the Taskhand position, he had learned that he needed to at least give lip service to the political side of his career. 

“As a matter of fact I do, I had to finish up the re-deployment orders for those Aurora Watch members wishing to take up positions closer to their homes than Bazzoxan, it wouldn’t do have the Taskhand take leave to come home and neglect the soldiers under his command. Especially with the current news.” Well it seems that his sibling had learned some political maneuvering in the time apart from the Den. That was almost a decent rebuttal and certainly one that the Umavi couldn’t criticize without appearing disloyal to the Dynasty. The piqued exhale to his left was a signal that she wasn’t pleased but unfortunately had been out maneuvered in this round, “Well we’ve delayed this dinner long enough waiting on your arrival, however _warranted_ your tardiness may have been.”

Verin took the seat across from his as silently directed, and for a brief moment seemed to search his face for something only to jump as the plates were set down. He couldn’t help the slight huff of a laugh and curl of a sardonic smirk at that, it seems that they were both off their game tonight. Looking down he noticed that the dish was roast spider bisque with a dark mushroom bread for a side and he couldn’t help but wish for the bread, cheese, and crackers he had been served that one wonderful night that the gravitational singularity masquerading as his soul quietened for a time. It wasn’t that he didn’t like roast spider bisque, it was a pleasant enough meal, just not one of his favorites and it hadn’t been since he was seventy. Though he supposed he should be grateful that she had noticed it enough to remember even if it showed how little she had actually paid attention to him outside of his position in relation to the Den since. There was also the possibility that it was veiled message, _you did well but I know you can do better_ , he just had to keep his head and his wits about him. The question was who would she address next, that might give him the answers to what the purpose of this dinner was. A slight clearing of a throat to his left stopped him from where he was about to pick up the mushroom bread, who was she about to address?

“So I trust that now there is peace, outwardly at least, that you won’t be dropping everything to kowtow to that ridiculous band of mercenaries that you were given stewardship of.” The fingers on his right hand flexed before he stop himself, thankfully hidden from her view by the dish and he didn’t dare take his attention off of her to see if Verin caught the slip up. _So that’s what this is about. I wasn’t exactly as discrete as I could have been when getting close to them and she disapproves of my apparent affection towards them. I wonder if that’s what drew suspicions towards my loyalty._ Heart somewhere nearer to his lungs than his feet, he was grateful that he actually had a planned response for that one; nearly identical to the answer he had given her when she found out that he had dipped into the Den’s coffers to purchase the abandoned estate and some second hand furnishings for them nearly four months previous.

“I suppose we shall see, the Bright Queen would like to keep them close especially now since the peace is so new and they were so instrumental in bringing it about. The last thing she wants is for them to take up residence back in the Empire, as long as they make their home base here it’s a mark in our favor.” He was proud at how he managed to keep all emotions out of his voice even as his fingers shredded the mushroom bread into the bisque so that it could be scooped up and eaten with a spoon as was proper etiquette. He was sure that his friends would have just dipped the bread in and bitten pieces off without care to how it would mark them as lower class. The way her lips briefly tightened in response to his answer was all the warning he had before she re-attacked with another angle.

“I see, why haven’t they returned to the Dynasty yet? I am given to understand they’ve a wizard in their midst who is capable of teleporting.” It took everything he had to suppress the flinch at the mention of Caleb. A dozen or so thoughts raced through his head the chief of which was _what does she think she know? Does she know that I was teaching him Dunamancy?_ Essek thanked the Luxon, The Wildmother, and even Jester’s Traveler that his friends had actually told him what their plans were after the peace talks ended, granted he wasn’t supposed to be there at all so this might be a trap. Setting the spoon on the edge of the shallow dish as was proper, he answered just managing to keep any of the emotion that wanted to break free at the thought of his friends, still out on the ocean and far from his reach for a while longer, out of his voice.

“They are attending a religious…festival,” that was certainly one name for the confused description Jester had given him the night he had dinner with them, “or event in relation to one of their cleric’s deities. I believe they said they were heading to Rumblecusp for it, a dormant volcanic island in the Lucidian Ocean southwest of Nicodranus. Their intentions are to return once this ‘TravelerCon’ event is completed.” At least he hoped that they planned to return, he hadn’t heard any updates from them. _Perhaps they have decided that I’m not worth contacting any more_ , Beauregard and…Veth had seemed noticeably colder towards him the last time he had spoken with them in person. _What if they had convinced the others that I don’t deserve_ (he didn’t but he couldn’t think about that) _their kindness or their friendship?_ So hyperfocused was he on not letting the maelstrom of spiraling thoughts from showing on his face and betraying the true extent of his affection for the Mighty Nein than he let on that he barely noticed the almost untouched bisque being whisked away and the next course being set in front of him. Glancing down at the plate he felt his gorge rise at what was on it. He hadn’t felt hungry since the night everything came crashing down and he confessed everything to his friends, everything important anyway. Just the thought of eating, knowing how heavily everything on that plate would sit in his stomach, was enough to make it churn. Once again it was another favored meal from his seventies, he was more sure than ever that it was a message for him especially combined with the pointed questions. The only thing he couldn’t figure out was why she had commanded Verin’s presence as well.

“Oh so they actually saw fit to inform you of their prospective whereabouts this time, instead of disappearing without word for near two months and then reappearing in the capital of the Dwendalian Empire without warning. I trust I don’t need to remind you just how badly that reflected on our Den given your position and sponsorship for their presence here. Do you even know where they were during that period?” This was the source of her displeasure with him. He couldn’t deny that it had looked bad, not to mention that for those hours before Arcanist Allura Vysoren had appeared in the Lucid Bastion with an explanation he had been convinced that they had found out about his treachery. He had truly been prepared to use the hidden pack containing everything he would need to start a new life and new identity. He still had that bag prepared except now there was a spell that could effectively help him become a ghost; however, the only wizard he trusted enough to cast it on him would most likely never agree to help him again. Though honestly the actual explanation for where they had been was even more terrifying and made him want to shake Caleb and demand an explanation for why he thought it was a good idea to mess with an artifact called the Archmage’s Bane. Essek had to take a fortifying sip of wine just thinking about how easy it would have been to have lost them and never know what had happened or experience that temporary quelling of the hungry void inside him, to never receive the parasol that had rapidly become one of his most prized possessions simply because it was a gift freely given with no expectations of reciprocity from him.

“It seemed that they managed to get themselves trapped in a pre-Calamity artifact that led to an extradimensional pocket that had some sort of time dilation effect to it. At least that is the explanation that I was given and I am inclined to believe it. It would in the very least explain why all attempts to scry upon them failed and why all attempts to message them also failed,” and he had tried even though he knew from previous attempts that during their travels most of the time they were grouped so close together that it was impossible to see them thanks to whatever item Caleb had to block scrying, but Sending should have still gotten through. To suddenly have those go silent after becoming used to Jester’s voice popping into his head at some of the most inconvenient times and asking invasive and deeply personal questions, it was jarring. Also the final nail in the coffin confirming that he had gotten far more attached to them than he had planned.

“Barring any unforeseen complications,” (of which he expected there to be many) “which given the sorts of situations that they have found themselves in since I took stewardship of them is incredibly likely,”(no doubt at one time he would have heard all about them, this time he wasn’t so sure) “they should still be in contact likely at the most inopportune time.” In all honesty he had halfway hoped, dreaded, and expected Jester’s voice to interrupt his concentration during this dinner, given her seemingly pinpoint accuracy with sending messages at the most awkward and chaos causing opportunities. But the longer that that time went by, the more sure he was that he wouldn’t be receiving any more messages. Thankfully it seemed like he had finally given a good enough impression that he was not as truly attached to the Mighty Nein as he was, that he was still able to maintain an objective stance in order to use them to best further Den Thelyss’ reputation. He wasn’t, but as long as he could maintain the façade the Umavi wasn’t going to say anything. The last thing he needed was her working against him to convince the Bright Queen to get rid of them.

Silence reigned heavy and oppressive as they all turned their full attention to the meal in front of them. Well he pretended to turn his attention to the meal in front of him, mostly making it look like he was eating. Oh he knew he should eat, most wizards and sorcerers couldn’t afford to skip more than a meal or two as their bodies burned through energy faster than most due to the fact that unlike divine spellcasters or warlocks they provided the energy for their spells themselves and going for longer than that would cause their bodies to start cannibalizing itself for fuel. He had eaten only sparingly since that night on the Ball Eater anxiety, stress, and something that felt uncomfortably like guilt made even the thought of eating anything substantial repugnant. He was going to have to actually eat a full meal soon or it would start to become obvious and the last thing he wanted was to draw undue attention to himself. Given that he caught his brother’s silver gaze on him more than once (Verin was definitely not as stealthy as he thought he was) he had already let too many things slip his carefully crafted control. Resigning himself to an evening of a churning gut and another night working until exhaustion forced collapse Essek took bites every time he felt their eyes on him. If nothing else at least it prevented him from having to answer any more pointed questions. By the time the main course dishes were cleared away there was still a substantial portion of food left on his plate and from the look that the Umavi gave him it hadn’t gone unnoticed. Steeling himself for another line of uncomfortable questioning as the dessert course was set in front of him, plums braised in spiced brandy. _At least it isn’t something horrendously sweet that I would have to pretend to enjoy instead of gagging._ It was only a matter of etiquette drilled in over half a century earlier that allowed his hands not to shake as he picked up the small silver dessert fork to delicately cut one of the plum halves on his plate, under her watchful gaze. No doubt she would find some way to corner him in the near future and remind him that she had trained him better than the showing he was giving tonight. Even after all of his successes and how far he had clawed his way up the delicate hierarchy of the Dynasty her disappointment whenever he failed to meet her exacting standards still caused it to feel like the floor had been ripped out from under him. Perhaps that was one of the reasons why he enjoyed the Mighty Nein’s company so much; they were quite obviously a Den, though one tied to together out of bond and not blood, and from what little he had gleaned from conversations most of them also had troubled pasts with their blood family. Well apart from Jester and Essek often wondered what it would be like to be so sure that your mother loved you, it was almost enough to make him jealous of her if the concept wasn’t quite so alien. The tell-tale intake of breath to his left was enough to set his thoughts racing again in an attempt to anticipate what she was going to say next and what answers he possibly had to give her.

“Verin,” relief flooded through his body though he didn’t dare allow himself to let it show in his posture, “with the Taskhand position here in Rosohna vacant I expect you to come home and take it up.” The tension that ebbed out of him came back with a vengeance the last thing he needed was his far, far too honest sibling here in Rosohna, permanently. “I’ve already put the idea towards the Bright Queen and the Dusk Captain and I’m anticipating it going in our Den’s favor.” Not for the first time Essek was very glad that his cousin was a philandering fool, recruiting his cousin’s illegitimate daughter into his informant network, outside of The Lens operatives, and getting her the head of correspondence position for all missives going to the Bright Queen was one of the best decisions he had ever made. It was a shame that heritage was only counted on the Matrilineal line, unless you could prove that you were a consecuted member of a Den just undergoing anamnesis, the girl was quite talented and proficient, she would’ve been a great asset to the Den. However having a loyal informant that didn’t carry the name Thelyss was more invaluable. Thankfully he had instructed that she intercept any proposals or other missives that either bore the mark of Den Thelyss or mentioned the Thelyss name. It always paid to be aware of what the Umavi or other members of the Den were planning or possibly what angle the other Dens were working to see Den Thelyss toppled from its position.

Seeing Verin start to open his mouth to protest, no doubt to give a poor argument that wouldn’t convince her to abandon the idea, he had to reveal his hand. It was shame he rather liked keeping her in the dark that he had access to all of her, and the rest of the Den’s, written manipulations, ploys, and bids for power among the Court and that they only succeeded or failed as he deemed it. Well she could try to bribe or turn his informant all she liked, he had built the girl’s loyalty beyond anything that woman intimidate or command. After all she had never taken the time to learn about any of the by-blows of any members of the Den. Nor had she arranged to give them the means to make more prosperous lives with the chance, scant though it might be, of earning their consecution if they do their job well enough.

“Ah yes, I saw that proposal and took the liberty of diverting it to my office,” the sharp gaze that she turned on him almost made him want to flash her a knife edged smile. _Yes, how many of your plots and ploys have fallen through because I foiled them before they even reached the right ears. Far more than I’ll ever let you know_. “At this point in time it would not be beneficial to our Den to make suggestions like that,” _It’s not beneficial to me for you to make suggestions like that,_ “the Bright Queen is being very cautious in response to Taskhand Adeen’s treason. Any attempts to profit off of it will be looked at in askance at best and suspicion at worst.” _I can’t afford that suspicion._ “Also given that Verin has only held the position of Bazzoxan’s Taskhand for a decade, granted he’s done a fine if uninspired job of it,” (surprisingly so, when he had let that particular plot of the Umavi’s go through he had honestly thought it would fail in a fortnight but it was semi-permanent posting out of Rosohna and that was the point) “It makes it look like we’re making a power bid, which is honestly not wrong; but it’s something both the Bright Queen and Dusk Captain Quana are looking out for.” _If I had let this go through they would have questioned whether or not he was actually the traitor or if I fabricated the evidence to try and expand our Den’s scope of influence. Those aren’t suspicions I can allow them to have and the fact that you didn’t see that side effect to this maneuver is concerning._ “Maybe in another half century,” _by that time most of the ones who know what I’ve done will be…gone_ (something twisted in his chest at that thought and the overwhelmingly selfish part of him wanted to cry out in denial of that inevitabilty), “the move could be made without putting our Den in a precarious position of undue suspicion.”

Oh she was not pleased to have been out maneuvered like this and Essek knew that he would pay for her displeasure later, but right now riding high on the success of beating her at her own game he didn’t much care. Casting a brief eye towards Verin a curl of smug satisfaction ran through him at his sibling’s stunned and confused expression. Meeting the Umavi’s gaze again this time he gave into the urge to let his mouth curve into a bladed smile that only grew more teeth as her eyes narrowed and lips thinned with displeasure. _What will your next move be, I wonder?_

“Well I suppose you would know better the situation of those circumstances and I commend you on your quick thinking to keep our Den out of a precarious situation that we do not need to court at this moment. I take it similar suggestions have been put forth from other Dens that you have allowed to go through.” He could hear the undercurrent message of ‘ _If you’re going to thwart my plans like this then you’d better have ensured that another Den is falling into the trap’_ in her voice. He felt his smile grow a few more teeth at the thought of the similar suggestion from a lesser member of Den Mirimm that he had allowed to go through. No doubt the Skysybil had her own agents to intercept such foolish machinations as well but if not then it effectively would shift suspicion away from him. There was a reluctant approval in the way she silently dismissed both of them and just for a moment he allowed himself to be fooled into thinking that he had escaped her ire for the time being as both he and Verin rose to make their way towards the doors of the grand dining room. They were halfway to those doors when he heard her clear her throat and spring the first part of her punishment for his poor performance and audacity to thwart her plans.

“Essek, I expect you to put your brother up for the night, I would like to see you both again in the morning and there is no reason to waste the talents of one of our mages to send Verin back to Bazzoxan and then bring him back again in the morning. This shouldn’t be an issue right?” He could hear the vindictive satisfaction in her voice at the request and his hands instinctively clenched under his mantle. He couldn’t help the way his jaw clenched as his thoughts started to race. _She knows about the guest room. Damn it I used my own personal finances and made sure to be incredibly discrete when purchasing everything. There should have been no way for her to trace it. So which of my household staff did she get to? I hate having to hire new staff, especially since I only_ _employ_ _a small few of them._ Forcing the words out from behind gritted teeth trying and failing to not to let his irritation and resentment show in his voice he replied.

“Very well Umavi, if that is what you wish.” Essek could feel both Verin’s and her eyes on him as he spoke. It galled him that the first person to stay in his newly set up guest room would be the last person he ever wanted in his space. He would have to remember to lock and alarm the two spires that were his more personal spaces, thankfully made a practice of never keeping his more incriminating items in the first more public spire. Even his household staff were not allowed in the other two spires to clean. Waiting half a second to see if she were going to speak again before continuing on his sibling following in his wake. They had almost made it to the double doors leading to the hallway when he heard her clear her voice again and speak. Freezing in place waiting for what move she was about to make, his mind was already running through the list of things he had done recently that she might have found out about, he was certain that he had covered his tracks entirely when it came to the truth about the Beacons. It couldn’t be that, if she had found out or even suspected anything remotely close to that she and Verin both would be walking him into a cell in the Dungeon of Penance themselves. The fact that he had made it through the entire meal meant that she likely didn’t know. Verin definitely didn’t know or even remotely suspect or he would have already been dragged before the Bright Queen in chains.

“Oh and Essek, do remind your wards,” ( _remind them of what? There shouldn’t be anything she would need me to remind them of)_ , “that they are nominally representing our Den and that proper decorum even within the confines of one’s home is expected.” _How would she know what they are like inside of their home, unless I miss my guess they don’t have any household staff. Well barring the one individual who was_ _most likely_ _a spy for the Cobalt Soul and whom has since disappeared, but that person was a known quantity and at least I could keep track of them. I know for a fact that they would not have reported anything to her, so how…_ his thoughts were answered as the Umavi continued to speak. “I have fielded too many complaints from Lord Biylan regarding their outrageous behavior, I expect that you will reign them in as is appropriate.” Rage prickled its way through his body and a snarl started to form on his lips. At this point he did not care if Verin saw him lose control of his carefully curated impassive expression the only thing he felt was a cold predatory anger. _It seems I need to remind Lord Bi_ _yl_ _an just why I am not an enemy he should want to cultivate._ The barest wisp of a plan and a course of action to follow allowed him to smooth out the snarl into his political mask before turning slightly in order to catch her eyes as he responded.

“Of course Umavi, I will be sure to remind them when they return.” As he suspected her eyes glittered with the triumph of having finally managed to outmaneuver him for the first time that night. It was a small defiance that he allowed the personal gravitation field that he had developed to push the doors open for him. The icy rage had settled into his chest and carried him out of the manor and through the streets of the Firmaments towards his tower. He was in possession of a suspicious set of papers that he intercepted from a minor member of Den Biylan that if turned over could cause some trouble for Lord Biylan. _Yes, that’s the correct course of action I think. Nothing overtly harmful but enough to make his life uncomfortable for a while, a simple warning that I could do far worse if I should so choose._ He ignored the faint intrusive thought that, in what sounded suspiciously like Beauregard’s voice, said ‘ _yes because your judgment on what is overtly harmful is so accurate especially as of late.’_ He stopped at the wrought iron gate to his tower, only mildly irritated that his sibling had managed to keep up. A small gesture released the arcane lock and caused the gate to swing inwards. He caught Verin gawking at his home and the grounds and slight thrill of satisfaction ran through him at the slightly overwhelmed look on his brother’s face. If there was one thing that he could say it was that his tower was much more impressive than the fairly modest manse in the heart of Bazzoxan Verin had purchased. Having shut the gate he turned around to see that his sibling’s wandering gaze had fallen on the multitude of holes his friends had dug in his yard gathering the clay needed for the spell restore…Veth ( _her name is Veth not Nott_ , _if you ever hope to have any sort of positive relationship with any of them you need to remember the correct name.)_ to her true appearance thwarted though it had been. The warmth of the memory chased the anger that had crystalized in his chest away seeming to bring with it the ability to breathe again. There was an unasked question in Verin’s eyes and he supposed he should give an answer lest his sibling start to form the wrong conclusions.

“Ah, yes I needed fifty pounds of clay for a new spell and well why purchase it when I already have an abundance here. I just haven’t had the time to fix it yet.” _I won’t fix it until I know for sure that it isn’t going to be one of the last signs that we were friends at all_. There was no keeping the affection out of his voice, that evening the three of them had spent completing the spell had been the brightest point in his entire life. He could only hope that someday he would be able to experience that again. Not necessarily the three of them but he had to admit that for only having limited tutelage in magic (obviously from Caleb) Veth had a decent understanding of the theory for basic arcana and he wouldn’t actually mind if she joined in another spell crafting marathon. Though he privately doubted that she would, the Halfling woman didn’t seem to be as interested in the theory and component connections of magic as she did in the effects she could produce. Giving himself a mental shake as they approached the public entryway of the first spire, Essek steeled himself for having one of the many people he had never wished to invade his space inside his house. Belatedly remembering the fact that he had neglected ( _refused_ ) to clean up the haphazard arrangement his friends had created the morning they all spent in his home, he just hoped that he could get his sibling situated without too much unwanted commentary. There would be commentary he knew and once again he thanked his friends’ deities that he was meticulous about keeping his more incriminating items under warded lock and key in his most personal chambers. As far as he knew Verin didn’t have the means to break arcane locks, thankfully; he still hadn’t forgotten his sibling’s tendency to pry through his rooms and belongings. The last thing he needed was a repeat of the ruined spell notes and equations for the first experimental development of his gravity field, or in this case for him to find the barest scraps that the Assembly had given him of their research into the Beacons.

Once again, as it had every day since they had left, he was struck by just how cold and empty this space was as he led his sibling into the foyer of the “public” spire. Not for the first time that night he was glad that his back was to Verin and thus his smile of affection wasn’t visible when he saw the mismatched furniture and the doodled…dick…on the corner of the table obviously courtesy of Jester these small bright signs of life in an otherwise barren space. It felt strange to still be floating within his gravitational sphere in his own home. He had made a concerted effort, as of late, to allow himself to drop it while in private and in the company of his friends and the sudden disruption of this practice felt wrong. The sooner he got his sibling settled, loathe though he was for him to be anywhere in the space meant for a specific set of other people instead, the sooner he could retreat to his laboratory and continue sorting through the research and spell theory that had metaphorically been consuming him for the past three nights. Drifting around to face his sibling he caught the sharp eyed gaze taking in the space and the recent signs of occupation. It would be in his best interests to remove any temptation to investigate further. 

“The guest room is upstairs, please be aware that I have restricted the access to the other two towers.” _Please do think about what kind of wards and alarms I have protecting my privacy. Likely your own imagination will provide enough deterrence that you won’t feel the need to test the wards, I hope. I would lock you in this tower if I thought that it wouldn’t get back to the Umavi._ As soon as he said the words Essek anticipated some sort of unwanted commentary but the sly curl of Verin’s lips and the slight cruel mirth crinkling the skin at the corner of his eyes was all the warning he had that it was going to be aimed to maim. 

“You have a guest room? Did you finally find someone who could tolerate your deplorable personality long enough to spend the night?” It felt like his gravitational field had suddenly inverted itself as the words hit home just as they were surely meant to. _No, no I haven’t._ Frigid ice water seemed to flood through his veins as the realization that there would likely never be any more friends occupying this space. No possible shared academic interest late night joint spell crafting and researching sessions necessitating a place to rest here instead of returning to the Xhorhaus. He was suddenly exhausted, emotionally drained and feeling painfully _empty_. Holding onto that feeling of numb emptiness he answered Verin with the all the biting chill that he currently felt.

“It’s always good to be prepared. Good Night Verin.” His voice almost sounded like it was echoing in the hollow space, for all that he was registering the words he just spoke. Drifting up the stairs not even bothering to see if his sibling had the common sense to follow. The space that he had been so proud of for actually thinking to create, representing a new reality in his life that he had people who were close enough to possibly stay that seemed to think that he was enough as he was, now seemed to be cruelly mocking him. He stared at it listening for the telltale sound of footsteps behind him and he could read his stupidly foolish hopes in the furnishings clearly tailored to the one individual most likely to stay the night. The way that he had carefully selected the reading material based on known interests and the contents of the off kilter bookshelves in the Xhorhaus library. Finally he heard the footsteps stop behind him with a wary pause. No doubt seeing the foolishness of his painful hopes laid on display and in that moment unable to hear any more vicious truths, Verin was very much like Beauregard in that manner, Essek took the opportunity to slip out the door to the walkways between the three spires and finally allowed his feet to touch the ground. Debating on whether or not to head directly to laboratory to feverishly work on the fragments of the spell idea that had been devouring his thoughts since the end of the peace talks until he collapsed from exhaustion he finally decided that he need to take care of the issue with his household staff first. Walking towards the spire that held his study and personal chambers, he threw the heavy mantle messily over the back of a chair as soon as he entered caring little for the tiny intrusive thought that sounded like the Umavi’s telling him that he was being a petulant child. It only took a matter of moments for him to locate the sending stone he used to communicate with his household staff (a clever bit of enchantment creating a quartet of linked stones so that he could address all at once) and activated it.

“You’re all dismissed until further notice. Until I find out where the leak in information was about the guest room. Remember I demand absolute discretion.” There was a moment when he swore he could hear that unique disapproving hum Caduceus sometimes gave when his friends did something that disappointed him. Shaking the moment off he waited for an acknowledgement that the message had been received and was satisfied in a hollow sort of way when three different voices responded with acknowledgement. He did take note that none of them sounded particularly guilty. Honestly it made him wish that he could cast Zone of Truth, it would make certain aspects of his job much easier. He supposed that he could wait until they returned and ask Jester to cast it on his servants to divine the truth of who let the information slip. However, he doubted that his friends, Jester in particular, would look kindly on the fact that he had dismissed them without hard evidence. Just the thought of Jester looking at him in disappointment was enough to incite a panic response similar to the one he experienced when confessed the truth to her. No it was best that he didn’t allow them to find out about this. He was in no frame of mind to sort through research and try to figure out the base theory behind a new spell, truly all he wanted to do was go back to that moment in time where he had felt accepted for himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A late night conversation between brothers, also known as everything that Essek has ever let go of has claw marks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as I suspected the chapter count of this fic just went up because Essek's headspace is very busy. Also there is a brief sentence that could be considered a reference to attempted gaslighting so be wary of that. Hopefully I will have the next chapter and it's companion chapter for "Do You Still Believe in One Another" within the next week or so.

Burning through his energy reserves to teleport down to his wine cellar and back to his study in order to avoid any more interaction with Verin had probably been incredibly foolish. Though in his defense if the Assembly decided that they were going to eliminate the loose end he represented so soon after the peace talks, in his own home, while his sibling was spending the night then he had bigger problems than not having the reserves to teleport without the aid of a teleportation circle. A bitter smile stole across Essek’s lips as he took a sip of wine, _I suppose I should be glad that I removed the temptation to teleport over to the Xhorhaus, I’m sure that would go over well. Yes I visited your house without your knowledge or permission while you were away because I missed you and I’m afraid that I’ll never be welcome there again._ He was sure that Veth or Beauregard would gut him for that not to mention that he didn’t know what if any alarms, wards or protections they set up before leaving.

He had relocated to the walkway when the walls of the towers began to feel too claustrophobic; the crawling itch of his own spiraling thoughts, that had already kept him up far too many nights when there wasn’t enough work to distract him, driving him into his new past time of staring at the tree that dominated the skyline of the Gallimaufry. Essek couldn’t help but think that the smart thing to do would be to start undermining the confidence that the Bright Queen had in the Mighty Nein. That way if they did decide to reveal that he was the one who had stolen and given the Beacons to the Cerberus Assembly she would be less inclined to believe their words. However no matter how much he told himself that would be next logical step, he couldn’t bring himself to take it. He craved their acceptance and friendship too much. _I feel like I am living the cautionary tale that we’re all told warning us about loving what vanishes_. _Most of their lives will be over before I even reach my second century_.

Once again he experienced that uncomfortable twisting feeling in his chest as a part of him railed against the injustice of that fact. He doubted that they would consent to being consecuted and truthfully it probably wasn’t fair to ask them to undergo a process that had failed for him. Could he condemn them to lifetimes of being reborn, chaining their souls to an artifact that he didn’t know what exactly it was, just to keep him company through his only lifetime? A part of him, the same part that selfishly wanted to keep them all as close as possible said yes; but, the rest of him, the rational part of him, said no that he couldn’t ask them to go through a process that he didn’t know what the true ramifications of were nor if it even would succeed in the first place. After all it hadn’t for him. The other option here was the spell that he had helped create; but, he had seen how uncomfortable Veth had been in a body and race not her own it wouldn’t be fair to ask them go through that, again in her case, just so he wouldn’t have watch them age and die.

Taking a sip from the wine glass in his hand Essek savored the flavor of the plum wine he had brought over to the Xhorhaus the night he had dinner with them. He was only partially ashamed to admit that he had almost immediately put in an order for an entire case of the wine the day after the dinner party. It was amusing to think that he had previously scoffed at the idea that food or drink could invoke shades of particular memories; however he couldn’t deny the lingering feeling of warmth he got from drinking this wine was all due to the events of the night he first had it. The faint scuff of a footstep on the walkway beside him combined with the faint mental chime of the runic alarm ward going off told him that Verin hadn’t changed at all since they had shared the same house and still had the insatiable urge to poke through his belongings. Well he could only hope that his unexpected presence would deter his sibling and prompt him to go back to the guest room and stay there this time. When the footsteps continued coming to a halt beside him it was clear that this hope had been in vain, as per usual, Essek could see his brother lean his forearms against the rail almost mirroring his own position from the corner of his eye. Steeling himself for whatever unwanted thinly veiled accusations that passed for conversation between the two of them he waited for Verin to break the silence.

“Please don’t, I haven’t seen you express this much emotion since before your consecution ceremony. It’s a good look on you, you don’t need to hide it from me. I would never use that against you.” _Well, well, well it seemed that Verin has learned basic manipulation in the years that we’ve been distant,_ he couldn’t help but think with a derisive huff. Though he believed that last sentence to be the barest truth, unless he had truly abandoned the overly righteous outlook he had always displayed growing up. Any other time he would have made a sarcastic quip about his sibling finally learning the lessons in basic manipulation their mother had tried to teach him when he was ten; but, tonight he just felt scraped raw inside and couldn’t manage more than the bald truth. He took a long drink of wine partially in hopes that it would numb him enough that he didn’t give away his mental state any more than he had already tonight before replying.

“I think you would be one of the only ones who wouldn’t. Go to bed Verin, you’ve never enjoyed my company before and I doubt you truly wish it now.” Wishing that he could go back to that comfortable emotional numbness that he had cultivated since his consecution had failed half a century prior, Essek winced internally as he realized just how much of the truth he had allowed to bleed into that statement. In fact he truly believed that the only other people that wouldn’t use his emotions against him were certain members of the Mighty Nein. Once again the desire to be surrounded by them in the Xhorhaus was almost overwhelming as his eyes sought out the tree looming over the skyline with its twinkling lights. Unfortunately it didn’t seem that his sibling had learned the fine art of taking a hint, as he proceeded to lean more of his weight on his forearms bringing his profile out of Essek’s peripheral sight and nearly into his full field of vision. What was so important that Verin felt the need to resort to clumsy manipulations when he was well aware that Essek had been neatly sidestepping those traps for approximately a century now. It was out of character and it might be genuine concern but in his experience outside of his friends no one had showed genuine concern for him in over eighty years. 

“Look something is obviously bothering you, even I noticed tonight at dinner,” _dammit how much did I let slip,_ “and I know you like to say that I’m about as observant as a rock.” _No you’re too observant and I keep telling you that in hopes that you’ll believe it and discount what you observe of me._ “I’m offering you a non-judgmental ear sounds like you could use one right now.” That sounded like genuine concern but that wasn’t possible, it had to be another shoddy attempt at whatever end game his sibling was angling for, in his experience Verin wasn’t concerned with him unless it was decry his actions in outrage. Thankfully it always had been painfully easy to manipulate him into stalking off in a fit of temper. 

“Non-judgemental you? Eighty years of experience prove otherwise.” He made sure to layer his voice with just the right amount of incredulous derision that it would prick his brother’s pride. Watching patiently out of the corner of his eye Essek saw several expressions flit across Verin’s face the expected outrage, chased by something that might be annoyance, and finally settling somewhere between sadness and rueful self-deprecation. That shouldn’t have happened, it had always worked in the past, in fact it was one of the most basic manipulations he had learned. He rarely found people that could grit their teeth against that first rush of stung pride and annoyance to continue whatever line of questioning they were pressing. It had also never failed him in his interactions with his brother before, that meant that all of his empirical evidence and methods that had worked for dealing with Verin in the past were now possibly faulty. Uncertainty trailed spider steps along the back of his neck, if this method was out of date than what else had he missed. He heard the shifting of linen on stone coupled with the creak of leather and an inhale of breath. 

“Well I’ve learned that I don’t have to be that person anymore. That I can be better than I was before, better than what we were pushed to be.” _You weren’t born with venom in your veins, you learned it_ , Caleb’s softly accented voice echoed in his ears mirroring Verin’s. “One of the lieutenants under my command has a saying something to the effect of being better angels of our nature, but then again he’s an Aasimar so it may be a joke.” His sibling’s tone was gentle, devoid of any of the sarcasm that he expected. _Better,_ the word seemed to beat in his head. Shaking his head slightly to clear the memory and its accompanying tattoo. _What defines better anyway?_ Draining his glass in hopes that it would cushion the impact of whatever upset was going to happen next,he refilled it if only to give himself that social barrier. Another almost imperceptible sigh and his sibling spoke again, quiet and knowing.

“They got caught in the crossfire of one of your manipulations and schemes didn’t they.” It felt like lightning struck every nerve in his body as a single thought rang out in time with the beating of his heart. _He knows, he knows, he knows._ “You became fond of them and now they’re upset with you and you have no idea how to fix it.” He couldn’t stop his flinch. _Wait, if he knew I would be in chains, surely he hasn’t changed that much. But if he suspects and is hoping for some sort of confirmation in order to trap me….Could that have been the true purpose of dinner?_ It was time to shut this down, he had already given far too much away tonight. Reigning in his wildly fluxuating emotions he grit his teeth as he turned his head to face his sibling he took in Verin’s face not seeing any of the smug satisfaction that he would have expected.

“I think you need to leave. Go back to the guest room and stay there until tomorrow morning.” The words came out in a low hiss. He couldn’t allow his sibling to find any actual evidence of his suspicions and the longer they stood out here the more he was afraid he was going to give something away that could cause his delicately balanced Damocles blade to come crashing down upon him. For a moment Verin just stood there staring uncomprehendingly as if he had no clue why Essek was upset, which didn’t make sense why else was his sibling asking probing questions after observing that he was vulnerable if he wasn’t trying to trap him into confirming his suspicions. Watching as his brother slowly raised his hands in a placating manner as if he was dealing with a volatile acquaintance.

“I didn’t mean to touch a nerve,” _Oh no? Somehow I very much doubt that_ , “I was just guessing at what might be the cause of your troubled mood.” _Do you really think that I’ll fall for that?_ “Look the offer still stands I’ll listen to whatever is bothering you free of judgement.” Verin’s voice was light and cajoling no doubt to try and coax a damning answer from him. He wasn’t about to give his sibling the chance.

“You don’t have to tell me what caused it as I’m ninety percent sure your reaction confirmed that.” Dread dropped the bottom out of his stomach even as prepared himself to do whatever he had to in order to escape, however the next sentence his sibling said just added confusion into the mix. “I’m just going to assume that it was something you had to do in relation to your Shadowhand duties and that I’m better off not knowing.” _That sounds as if he knows and is looking the other way or possibly that he doesn’t know and was actually fishing for some other information and I let stress and paranoia cause me to make an amateur’s mistake._ Either way he had made too many mistakes tonight and would have to spend far too much time cleaning them up and making sure that he didn’t become the loose end that gave everything away. Finally finding his equilibrium and willing his heart rate to slow to a more sedate pace allowed him to pull his usual cool condescending façade back into place. Keeping a hard eye on Verin he watched as his sibling began to turn slightly as if to head back to the guest room, when a welcome and cheerful voice seemed to shout in his ear.

“Hey, Essek! Oh, is it too late? Are you sleeping? We fought a Dragon Turtle, but don’t worry we’re all fine. Oh! We might be…” The message trailed off as she was interrupted mid-thought. Relief surged through him, Jester at least had decided that he was still worth contacting and he couldn’t but feel some of the stress that he had carried since he had left them on the deck of their ship after the peace talksmelt away as a small genuine smile stole its way across his lips. He waited for a second sending to come finishing the thought but it didn’t. She must have used too much energy in whatever escapades his friends had gotten themselves into that day. He was resolutely ignoring the implications of the mention of his friends fighting a dragon turtle. Essek could feel the seconds ticking down for him to respond and a minor thrill of panic ran through him. The last thing he wanted was to give her the impression that he no longer wished for her to contact him.

“I’m not sleeping this time but it’s still late. I’m glad to hear that all of you are fine. Are you returning soon?” He couldn’t help but ask, even knowing that he likely wasn’t going to get an answer tonight at least, since it seemed that whatever fight they had gotten into had depleted her energy. Divine magic certainly took its toll as he had seen from both Jester and Caduceus in the past. The persistent chill that had seemed to cling to him the past few days drained away into a warmth that he seldom felt. Maybe just maybe, things would work out; maybe he didn’t need to be better and he could still keep their friendship. After all he wasn’t planning on starting any more wars. Maybe he could still be enough as he was? Unfortunately his sibling’s voice was splash of ice water to the face, reminding him that he wasn’t alone and he was being watched.

“I take it that was one of your wards? It didn’t sound like one of your informants but I could be wrong.”

“I thought I told you to leave.” _How dare you see that! How dare you have the gall to intrude where you aren’t welcome! How much of my affection for them did you see?_ The brief relaxation of his muscles only made it more obvious as they all snapped back into the rigid painful knots that they had been twisted in sending spasms of pain between his shoulder blades and down through to his wrists. _Why can’t you just leave me in peace?_ He thought as he watched a frustrated and stubborn look set up camp on Verin’s face.

“No, you’re obviously upset and in pain over something. Let me help, I’m trying to be better. We don’t have to be what we were raised to be. I’m tired, Essek, of dreading coming back to this city knowing that the moment that I do I’m going to get pulled into the power games you and mother enjoy playing.” _Better_ , the word once again beat in his head like war drums. “Has it finally become viscerally real to you that people aren’t game pieces on a war board for you to move as you please? Because as much as I’m glad it’s a lesson you seem to have finally learned I don’t enjoy that it’s seemingly caused you such emotional turmoil.” _Oh, you care. You weren’t trying to manipulate me, you were trying to help me._ The realization gave him that unsettling feeling of gravity inverting and then hastily righting itself again as that knowledge tipped everything on its ear. He couldn’t help but stare uncomprehendingly at Verin whose expression he could now tell was somewhere between regret and frustration. _Better, you can be better_ , the mantra continued to pulse through his mind even as he once again felt the phantom touch of hands cupping his cheeks, a chapped kiss in the center of his forehead just between and above his eyebrows, and the words…

“Leave things better than they were before.” He couldn’t help but murmur aloud along with the gentle accented voice in his memory. Could he though? Who determined what better was? Was it him? Was it his friends? Was it one of the many deities that he knew existed but didn’t hold faith in? Essek just didn’t know and that was the crux of it. If he didn’t know, how could he change? Did he even want to change? Shouldn’t people who called themselves his friends like him for who he was? They had seemed to before. _That was before they knew that you were the one that gave away the Beacons._ The poisonous thought settled into his head. Obviously they had had a different image of who he was in their heads and didn’t like the reality of him when they found out. Though now that he thought about it, it wasn’t so much the fact he had committed treason by giving the Beacons away in the first place it was the fact that he had done so knowing that it would likely start a war and he hadn’t cared about the people who would be affected. Maybe there was something to Verin’s accusation that he only saw people as pieces on a war board to be moved as he pleased. Certainly the Mighty Nein had started out like that before he had gotten to know them, before they had somehow wormed their way past the emotional numbness that had settled over him when his consecution failed. People, especially people that he didn’t personally know, couldn’t put faces or names to, were abstractions to him and had been even before he decided that it wasn’t worth feeling anything. That wasn’t something that he thought he could change. Was it even possible for him to change? There was only one person that he could currently ask. 

“You keep mentioning that you’re trying to be better than what we were raised to be, do you think that it’s possible? To change or for other to change you?” This was so far off the usual scripted dance that he knew by heart and could navigate through even halfway into trance, it reminded him of the awkward halting attempts at conversation in a warmly lit dining/living room with people he had only just recently admitted to himself were friends. Essek’s eyes were pulled back to the tree on the horizon like a needle to a lodestone. There was a wariness, a vulnerability, to his words that he hated, but couldn’t eliminate and all he could do was pray that his brother would be kinder than he would have been in that situation. He hoped that Verin could read the words that he was unable to bring himself to say, ‘Is there hope for me?’

“Yes, I do. Why do you think I prefer the company of my fellow soldiers in the Aurora Watch? Because there’s a camaraderie there that almost feels like what I wish family felt like, at least amongst those who are not from any of the major dens.” _What you wish family felt like, maybe that’s what I like about the Mighty Nein too_ , “It’s not an easy process and it’s not a comfortable process, you’ll backslide and make mistakes. Like the comment I made earlier tonight. It was cruel and like I said I am trying to be better than that.” There was a sheepish kind of admission to those last words and it dawned on Essek that just maybe, instead of an incessant need to pry through his belongings and life, Verin had been coming out to apologize for his comment about the guestroom. “The thing is, is that you have to want to change in order for it to work; however, I’ve found that if you have people that you want to be better for it makes it easier.” _These people changed me, they can change you too if you let them._ Caleb said that they were alike, that he had changed. Obviously he felt that he had changed for the better, could it really be that simple as wanting to be better; wanting to be the person your friends believed you to be? Surely it wasn’t that simple. Dread started to gather in his stomach as he realized that he couldn’t see a way to become the version of himself that his friends had seen before, not now. Not when they knew what he had done. He didn’t think it was or would ever be possible for him to see people that he didn’t know at least peripherally as anything other abstractions of concept. It had become so second nature to look at others and see not a person but a means to an end. Somehow he suspected it was that outlook that poisoned Beauregard and Veth against him to some degree. Letting out a huff of bitter laughter he took a drink from the glass in his hand, he needed the comfortable distance that this wine could bring.

“I wouldn’t know where to start.” He could hear the fatalistic edge creep into his words. There was one way that he could think of to correct his actions that his friends had found so objectional. He had even started working towards it in fact, scraps of theory and half formulated equations. If completed and successful it would negate the need to apologize completely because the Beacons would never have left Rosohna and if he failed, as so many attempts of this nature did, well no one would truly miss him outside of his friends (maybe) and possibly his brother. After all he had no illusions to how he was viewed by others in the Dynasty and within Den Thelyss, even the Umavi only cared about him because he was simply the only one of her children to climb the highest in the Dynasty’s cut throat political hierarchy and manage to hold it. If he lost that influence then she would have no more use for him, after all she alone was the only other living person who knew that his consecution had failed. This was the only life he was going to get and he had to make it count.

“You start small.” His brother’s voice cut through the dark thoughts. “In your case I would start by making amends with your friends.” _That is easier said than done._ “It may take a long time and it may not work,” _but I don’t know if I have the time, and I need it to work the thought of it not working causes me pain,_ “but if they’re still sending you updates letting you know that they’re alright, I think that there’s hope your relationship with them can be repaired.” He couldn’t deny that Verin was right, the fact that Jester had thought to update him at all was at least a sign that she at least still cared. Maybe he could do something for her and start individually? It barely took a thought to cast Immovable Object and fix the wine glass next to the decanter in the air just off the railing. A new almost frantic energy coursed through him as the thought began to translate itself into plans. What would she appreciate, though? The gesture needed to something small, thoughtful; not too grand that would look like he was just attempting to buy affection and that would just be gauche. She had requested pastries on multiple occasions and those would be something that she wouldn’t be able to get while at sea and certainly not at a volcano. Unfortunately he knew nothing about pastries, he had never enjoyed overly sweet food and his last attempt to serve what he had thought were perfectly good baked goods had not been sweet enough. _I could go to Nicodranus and get some of those bear claws she’s always talking about_. _However, I have a feeling the Beauregard would suspect that I was in Nicodranus for another reason entirely._ It still stung that he had said loose ends and she had automatically assumed that those loose ends meant people and not paper trails. _Perhaps Verin would know, he tolerates and seems to enjoy sweet flavors more than I do._ _Surely it can’t hurt to ask._

“I don’t suppose you know anything about pastries?” If he weren’t so desperate for an answer he would almost laugh at the stunned confusion chasing its way across his brother’s face. As it was he was he needed advice and he didn’t have time to deal with this. “Jester requests that I bring pastries whenever I see them. The one time I actually served pastries I was told they weren’t very good and were too bland. Now, short of going to Nicodranus and picking up some of these…bear claws…she talks so much about, I don’t actually know what I should be looking for in a good pastry.” _Please tell me you can help me. I don’t want to destroy my relationship with them any more than I already have when I’m trying to make an attempt to fix things._ He could tell exactly the moment when Verin realized what he had just said. _For a second I forgot who I was talking to_. The realization coursed through him that for a second it almost felt like he was back surrounded by his friends who wouldn’t think anything of him suggesting teleporting to Nicodranus for something as silly as apology pastries. Well they wouldn’t have in the past.

“I do sincerely hope that you did not just suggest that you were considering going to Empire aligned territory for pastries.” Thankfully he had a curated collection disgusted expressions that he could pull on as easily as breathing in order to cover up the fact that yes, yes he had. That he had in fact done so much worse for less innocent reasons. Apparently his brother hadn’t changed so much that he was willing to look the other way at treason. _Good to know, and now I have even more reason to make sure that it never comes to light. I like what this could become I don’t want to lose that._ His brother’s playful placating raised hands reminded Essek of the joking threats the Mighty Nein tossed at each other with boisterous gleeful abandon. To see shades of that offered to him from his younger brother, a knot of tension that he didn’t know he had eased and came loose. 

“Easy just making sure. Having to arrest you would put a strain on this already strained relationship. That being said I do know a bit but only about the quality of a few of the bakeries in Bazzaxon not here in Rosohna so I’m not sure how much that will help.” _Leave things better than they were before_. The phrase wouldn’t leave his mind, would this count? Their relationship had been strained at best and outright hostile at worst, would this be considered better? He liked what little of this friendly exchange they had been having. It was possible that even if he couldn’t win back the affection of the Mighty Nein he might be able to have this. If he took the care to cultivate it and if Verin never found out about the Beacons. _You start small,_ what small thing could he do for his brother to help foster this small fragile bridge they had just started building. _I’m tired, Essek, of coming back to this city knowing that the moment I do I’m going to get pulled into the power games you and mother enjoy playing_ ; his brother’s earlier words coming back to him. _I can teleport him back to Bazzoxan tonight, that way he can avoid the power play that breakfast is going to be, and he can show me where and what kind of pastries would be acceptable. We both get what we want. That counts as leaving something better than I found it right? After all it’s a small step in improving our relationship, I think._ He couldn’t stop the slow pleased smile that curled across his lips, it finally felt like a he had a solid and comfortable place to start.

“If you wish to return to Bazzoxan tonight I wouldn’t be opposed to taking you there. I’ll even make your excuses in the morning, after all with a city like Bazzoxan there’s so many things that could go wrong that require the Taskhand’s presence.” Essek couldn’t help the cajoling lilt to his words, it was second hand nature by now to try convincing people to agree with him by framing it as something they want. “You wouldn’t even have to lie. What do you say? I take you home tonight and you tell or show me what bakeries you prefer there and I tell the Umavi that you received urgent news that required your presence immediately. It’s a win/win situation for both of us.” For the first time in days it felt like he had his feet on firm ground so to speak. It was also mildly entertaining watching his brother struggle with the decision to allow Essek to lie for him in order to get out of dealing with the Umavi’s power plays and putting himself through the misery of trying and failing to play the game to her expectations. _Please for once in your life don’t give into that over developed sense of honesty and fairness you have and take the expedient solution._ Finally it appeared Verin had come to a decision and he couldn’t help but wait with baited breath for what his brother decided. 

“How much of that wine have you had tonight?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I can finish up the last chapter and it's companion chapter so I can indulge in Verin meeting the Mighty Nein and the Mighty Nein finding out that Essek has a younger brother.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein it finally hits home for Essek that his actions have consequences, and our boys fumble through trying to build a rapport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this ended up taking me a lot longer than I had hoped; partially due to the fact that I got slammed pretty hard with depression for a bit due to the social distancing thing going on and mostly because I realized that I had no map or clear descriptions of how Bazzoxan was set up. So cue me scouring EGTW and realizing that Bazzoxan was more military outpost than city. So cue me taking what brief information and descriptions we got in episodes and in the book and on the wiki and having to filling the blanks myself. Also figuring out minor OCs because Verin and Essek don't exist in a vacuum. 
> 
> I'm probably going to finish the companion chapter in Verin's point of view and then work on finishing the next chapter of Through Seas of Stars since some places have opened up limited dine in options so I can feasibly go and write outside of my home for a bit. So the story where Verin meets the Mighty Nein might take a bit to get out.

For a second Essek thought his brother was accusing him of only offering because he had been drinking and a deep wave of outrage settled over him. Verin must have seen the offense brewing on his face because before he could do so much as spit out something that would likely destroy the tenuous threads of friendship (could it really be called friendship when they were related?) that were starting to take root, his brother hastily clarified.

“I’m not teleporting with you, if you’re drunk. That’s just a bad idea all around and it’s not just you I wouldn’t let any wizard teleport me if they’ve been drinking. I trust you to know what your limits are so I’m asking before we get ourselves into a bad situation. No offense intended.” _Oh, that’s not a not an outright refusal, it’s just a cautious yes._ A small thrill satisfaction threaded through him at the thought that he had managed to determine what small thing he could do for his brother correctly. He also had a very good point and the fact that Essek didn’t consider that beforehand was a mark in Verin’s favor. A glance at the crystal decanter fixed in place just beyond the edge of the ornate walkway’s rail revealed that it was half full. When he had affixed it in place it had had been full with half a bottle of wine, add in the glass of yunfaalyu wine that he had drank with dinner, he was probably more affected than was safe to teleport, even with the aid of a teleportation circle. Without hesitating he summoned a stick and string figure from his expanded wrist pocket in order to cast Unseen Servant. 

“Get me the antitoxin potion from the inner pocket of my mantle, it’s in my study,” He ordered. Turning back to face Verin he caught sight of the bemused expression on his brother’s face. All at once a he felt slightly defensive, this was not how things went usually and he wasn’t quite sure what his brother wanted from him right now. 

“You carry antitoxin potions in your mantle? I would think that would be a bit paranoid, but I truly know nothing of what types of dangers you face on a day to day basis.” It was gentle not quite mocking more inviting him to share in the joke instead of making it sound like he was the sole subject. He had heard similar tones directed at and coming from various members of the Mighty Nein and he could only guess that it was an artform of friendly conversation that he had never learned. All his questions and comments in the same vein were always thinly veiled barbs intended to prick and wound. 

“Having been the unfortunate recipient of a gift of poisoned wine recently, I have found it incredibly prudent to be prepared in case someone decides to attempt it again. It also has the added benefit of absorbing and minimizing the effects of alcohol.” _It couldn’t be considered lying if I’m telling the truth in the strictest sense of the word just not giving the whole truth or context, right? Please just don’t ask for more details and I won’t be forced to truly lie to you, I would like to avoid that from here on out._ Thankfully it looked like fortune had finally smiled at him as Verin only let out a rueful chuckle and responded. 

“I do not envy you your position. At least my enemies come at me from the front and I know that they’re trying to kill me. I can’t imagine not being able to trust my food and drink. I guess even the master of the Lens must be prepared for the same hazards as his operatives.” Essek breathed an internal sigh of relief as his brother decided to not press any further for details. They remained in companionable silence until the Unseen Servant returned with the antitoxin potion and was dismissed. Grimacing at the black sludge like liquid in the crystal vial, he broke the wax seal, removed the cork, and drank. The potion itself was unpleasantly thick, gritty, and tasted like bone char and smoke. It was truly a feat to suppress his gag reflex and not force it up before it could do its job; however disconcerting as the feeling of it sliding down his throat was, he couldn’t deny that his head felt clearer and his emotions less raw as it did so. 

“Judging by the look on your face that tastes every bit as unpleasant as it looked. Are you sure that wasn’t actually a poison?” Verin’s teasing commentary should have annoyed him, now that he was less wine addled, however even now it just prompted a light huff of laughter that curled with warmth. The easy grin that graced his brother’s face at that slight breath of laughter provided another wave of that addictive warmth that he felt around his friends and prompted him to attempt a tentative smile of his own. It felt smaller less like another blade in his arsenal of conversational weapons and only newly familiar. Almost immediately Essek wanted to take it back as he could read mirth solely directed at him ignite in his brother’s eyes. A familiar hurt and resentment beginning to build in his chest only to be defused as Verin said, “Just so you know your teeth are stained grey right now and I would assume your tongue is as well.”

_At least he warned me before I made a fool of myself in public._ A hastily cast Prestidigitation aimed at his mouth and tongue provided an uncomfortable scouring sensation that he wasn’t eager to repeat any time soon. Flashing another, this time more guarded, smile at his brother.

“I’m ready when you are if you’re planning on taking me up on the offer to teleport you back to Bazzoxan tonight,” he couldn’t help the slightly peevish tone that crept into his voice as he made another flourishing hand motion summoning a glittering blue stick of chalk from his expanded wrist pocket and putting back the stick and string figure. Quirking an eyebrow at his brother as he waited for an answer, Essek couldn’t help but be slightly confused at the expression on Verin’s face. “Is there a problem? Having second thoughts, I can assure you that the potion has had enough time to work so there are no chances of ending up in the wrong location as we’re teleporting to the Bazzoxan teleportation circle.” 

What had he done wrong? It had seemed like his brother was going take him up on his offer and now he just looked perplexed as if he doubted, even after their earlier conversation, that Essek was actually going to go through with the offer. The uncomfortable skin crawling sensation of anxiety rippled up his spine the longer his brother continued to stare at him in seeming confusion. If he had been wearing his mantle he would have surreptitiously pulled the inner lining closer to his body. Finally after what felt like hours but was in reality just a few moments Verin spoke. 

“You’re not going to get your mantle?” The question was hesitant like he couldn’t believe he was asking that question. _Oh, right I have a reputation to maintain. But I know that I was and still am to some extent under suspicion and there is no reason for me to be in Bazzoxan in any official capacity. Which me wearing the mantle would imply. I’m running a personal errand and doing a favor for a member of my Den and a direct family member that would be more forgivable if I made it clear I was not there for anything that could_ _be considered official business. Besides I’m tired of the expectations that I have built with the gravity field and the mantle, I didn’t realize how much so until I started associating with my friends and they didn’t expect it from me._

“No, I’m not visiting Bazzoxan in any kind of official capacity and I wouldn’t want to imply that I am. As I mentioned earlier tonight things have been tenser than normal and it wouldn’t be prudent to court suspicion. I’m simply doing a favor for my sibling and running a personal errand,” He said a touch defensively. Verin continued to stare at him surprise coloring the incredulity of his expression. 

“I haven’t seen you go out in public without that mantle since you were given the position of Shadowhand, Essek this is the first time in over two decades that I’ve seen you with your feet on the ground. Forgive me for being a bit surprised this is quite the change for you. Are you sure that you’re okay with being seen in public like this?” The response was still hesitant and sounded slightly concerned, and he couldn’t quite figure out why his brother would be concerned. Surely he didn’t need to put on airs with him? In fact he rather thought that doing so was one of the reasons there had been such tension between them before. Voicing that concern however, proved to be more nerve wracking than he expected because what if he was wrong and Verin preferred that version of him.

“Do I need to put on airs for you? I would think that you would find that irritating. I can if you would like.” He hadn’t meant for the words to come out so accusingly, but it was just so difficult to figure out what Verin wanted right now. There wasn’t clear answer or course of actions with this conversation and he almost caught himself casting his gravitational field in response to the anxiousness that was beginning to brew in his chest. Fighting the instinctive reaction down he waited for his brother to explain, to give him some sort of indication what it was that he wanted right now.

“Oh, Luxon bless no, it’s nice seeing this side of you; but, I also know a thing or two about defense mechanisms. Light knows I have a fair few of my own. Are you comfortable being public without the added distance of the mantle?” _Am I comfortable with it? I don’t know, it would be dangerous for me to wear it, and without it I would be more unnoticeable and less memorable but also more visible. Am I okay with that? In private around friends is one thing and it was hard enough then, but I’m trying to be better and going without would be safer for me in the long term._

“I suppose we’ll find out,” was what he said instead, offering a thin quirk of a smile that felt like more of a grimace, “Well shall we? I don’t suppose that you sending stone to contact whomever of your men and women are on teleportation circle guard shift tonight? I’m afraid I don’t know them well enough to cast Sending myself. I would prefer not to be threatened upon arrival.” Hopefully Verin would catch the hint and hurry this along before he had time to over think the decision to go without the mantle and gravitational field. 

“I don’t but I told them to expect me back sometime tonight, I didn’t anticipate mother demanding my presence for more than this evening. They might be slightly surprised that it’s you who is teleporting me back and not one of the war mages attached to the Rosohna Aurora Watch detachments, but otherwise they should be expecting me. Though I am curious why we’re using the teleportation circle, I know you’re capable of teleporting without one and I’m also relatively certain that you had the floor plans to my home memorized within days of me purchasing it.” Essek couldn’t help the smug grin that curled across his lips, his brother really did know him too well it seemed. Which made the fact that he was willing at all to make their relationship friendlier all the more shocking, however welcome it was. _I would make the resolution to try not to lie to him, wouldn’t I. Now I’m going to have to admit that I wasted my energy reserves in an attempt to avoid him by teleporting to my wine cellar and back._ Cursing the fact that he could feel his cheeks growing warm with embarrassment, he debated whether or not it was necessary to reveal that fact or not. _Better, I am attempting to be better, more honest, at least with my friends._

“I may have used most of my energy reserves earlier teleporting to my wine cellar and back.” His cheeks were burning now and he could feel the tips of his ears starting to warm as well. _Please think that it was just a frivolous waste of power._

“You know what I’m not going to pry, we’re wasting time and the longer we stand here the more likely mother is to summon us early. I would much rather be home than here when it comes,” Verin said mercifully deciding to let the subject drop. Turning on his heel Essek led his brother to where all three walkways met under the Ley Line tracker and began to chalk out the diagram for the Bazzoxan teleportation circle. It took a matter of moments to draw the circle and activate it, teleporting with the aid of a circle was always smoother than without. Given the state that his stomach was in from the emotional ups and downs of this night and the last several weeks he was very grateful for that fact. Thankfully they appeared in the Bazzaxon teleportation chamber underneath the Onyx halls without incident, both guards on duty turned to look at who had arrived. Essek didn’t think that he was imagining the look of relief the Bugbear guard gave his brother when she registered just who had arrived.

“Taskhand Thelyss, it’s good to have you back. Commander Icozorin wanted to see you regarding the latest supply shipment, it’s not good sir.” Her gravelly voice echoing in the silent chamber. A pained grimace painted itself across Verin’s face as he kneaded his forehead, perhaps this was an even better decision than he had thought as it seemed that his brother actually had been needed here in Bazzoxan tonight. The guard didn’t seem to have noticed his presence yet and quite frankly he was glad. Unfortunately her fellow guard, a Drow man who was positively dwarfed by his partner recognized and nervously greeted him. _So much for being less recognizable without the mantle and the floating._

“Forgive us Shadowhand we didn’t recognize you,” the guard was young, most likely barely out of training and freshly out of Rosohna. Stifling a sigh Essek resisted the urge to snap at the watchman, the man’s obvious nervousness left a sour taste in his mouth. Instead he gave him the politely detached smile that he used with minor members of the court when they brought ideas or complaints to him that they were too cowardly to bring before the Bright Queen themselves and replied. 

“I’m afraid that I’m just Essek Thelyss tonight. I’m only returning my brother to his post and picking up a few items that I cannot get in Rosohna. No need to stand on ceremony for me this night, believe me if I were here for official business you’d know.” Even though his tone was polite, and if not quite personable it was at least not angry, the guard still swallowed and seemed to take the comment as chastisement anyway. Giving Verin an arch look, this was one of his brother’s soldiers he could deal with the man’s nerves. The unimpressed expression he shot back, was in Essek’s opinion, uncalled for; this was not the sort of exchange that he was at all used to dealing with and most people he had to interact with had the good sense to hide any nervousness, fear, or disdain they held for him when they addressed him. 

“Thank you Captain Beltune, I will get in contact with Commander Icozorin shortly. Watchman?” Verin paused waiting for a name, confirming his suspicion that the Watchman was a recent recruit. Essek knew that his brother made a point to know at least the names if not the faces of all members of the Aurora Watch assigned to the city. That question seemed to fluster the man even more, but he snapped to attention and responded.

“Watchman Arvress, sir. I don’t have Den name.” Suddenly the demeanor made sense he was a commoner in the barest sense of the word, without a Den to protect him or ensure that he had a place in society above the lowest serving class. His only shot at rising above that would have been the Aurora Watch and the more remote out postings, such as this one. His brother, always the kinder of the two of them, gave him a warm smile and said, “Ah yes, arrived a week and a half ago, to replace Watchman Illyria Olios who redeployed back to Assarius, assigned under Commander Duendalos. You’ll do well in that unit he’s a fair commander and doesn’t discriminate against those not born to a Den.”

Watchman Arvress’ eyes widened with a slight bit of what he could only call hero worship and fading fear as he clearly hadn’t expected Verin to know who he was, let alone know what unit he was assigned. It was a good method for ensuring loyalty. Even Essek could see that this man would probably follow his brother to the gates of the hells if he asked it of him, for the simple fact that he took the time to know and remember the name of a Den-less commoner and what unit he was assigned. It was a lesson that he, himself, had only learned after he started dealing with the operatives the Lens employed and started cultivating his own agents outside of the Lens, to be honest he was a little jealous that it had come to his brother naturally. Verin turned towards him an apologetic look on his face, clearly he expected him not to wish to loiter while he took care of work first. Apparently his brother had underestimated just how much importance he was putting on making amends. He was willing to stay as long as needed and honestly the fact that his brother was actually needed and taking care of work first was just giving him more material for his apology to the Umavi for disrespecting her wishes. After all it was only proper to show some manner of concern when it sounded as if someone was possibly attempting to sabotage their Den and in such a manner to possibly cause history to repeat itself. If he spun it like that his extended presence even after teleporting his sibling back was even more excusable.

“I’m afraid that I need to take care of this first before I assist you in finding what you’re looking for. You can wait in my house if you wish, I’m sure you know the way,” the regret clear in his words, was tinged with a slight wariness reminding him that this amicable relationship between them was still quite new and fragile.

“If you’re not opposed to me accompanying you it would help me give a better excuse to why you at least are missing her breakfast summons in the morning.” The quickly stifled wide-eyed surprise that Verin shot him in response to his reply caused him to stifle a smile. It was always amusing to react the exact opposite of how someone expected simply to throw them off balance. Gesturing for Essek to go first his brother gave the guards the At Ease and they stepped out of the chamber into the bowels of the fortress. Endless hallways and climbing stairways created a maze towards the surface of the fortress carved out of the cliff side beneath the Umbra Gates and the Black Temple a precaution against anything coming out of the depths either from the gates themselves or from the tunnels under the temple. Once they were out on the streets of Bazzoxan heading towards the garrison buildings he was struck by how different it was from Rosohna. It was clear this place was more military outpost than city and Essek began to doubt his decision to trust his brother’s taste in pastries and other sweet things as he couldn’t imagine there being many decent bakeries in this city. Luckily for them the Garrison buildings were arranged in an arc outside of the fortress a further buffer between the threat of the gates and temple and what civilian population this city had. As the two of them drew closer to the garrison gates Essek could see the figure of a tall female Tiefling of Drow descent, if her coloring was anything to go by, in the standard scale mail and sculpted plating of the Aurora Watch’s war armor walking towards them. He could only assume that this was the Commander Icozorin that the Captain had mentioned.

“Taskhand, you’re later than expected.” She said by way of greeting as they approached voice flat. He couldn’t tell if she was annoyed by that fact or just stating a fact and her pupiless white eyes gave nothing away. Sliding a look sideways at Verin he could only see a tired sort of commiseration written on his features, _so the supply issue may not be as urgent an issue as it sounded, damn._

“Commander Icozorin, You can thank the Umavi of Den Thelyss for that, mother wanted me to stay for breakfast. Lucky for me Essek generously offered to bring me home and make my excuses for me. I think he just wanted me out of his home.” The words should have hurt but the quicksilver glance and flash of a teasing smile his brother gave him as he said it invited him to share in the joke. Giving a throaty chuckle in response the now identified Commander Icozorin shook her head slightly, before addressing him.

“Well I would never have expected to see our Dynasty’s esteemed Shadowhand out here in ass end of the Barbed Fields,” she gave him what he thought was a sardonic smirk but he couldn’t be sure before continuing, “Commander Honor Icozorin, Deputy Commander of the Bazzoxan Aurora Watch.”

So this was his brother’s second in command at least it seemed that she was supportive of him, even though he could only assume that given her den name and her form that she was consecuted and on at the very least her second lifetime. A pang of jealousy ran through him that it seemed that his brother had somehow managed to fall into the respect that had taken Essek half a century to earn despite Verin not being consecuted, being on his first life, and being barely considered an adult by their people’s standards. Almost immediately he felt bad about it, he should be glad that it seemed his brother hadn’t had to deal with subordinates and peers alike questioning his every action, decision, and idea simply because he was so very, _very_ young and obviously they know better because they’ve had multiple lifetimes of experience already. _I should be happy for him, not envious. After all the consequences of that sort of questioning and snide prejudice for him are much higher than the consequences for me would be._ Not for the first time since everything came crashing down in the hold of his friend’s ship he thought that there was nothing redeemable about himself. He couldn’t even happy for his younger brother at not having to fight against the inherent prejudice that was rampant in their culture for those who are unconsecuted or consecuted and on their first life. The slight clearing of a throat to his left snapped him out of his blackening thought spiral.

“So what’s this about the latest supply shipment? Captain Beltune said it wasn’t good,” there was a peculiar undercurrent to what his brother said as if he was trying to hint around a larger issue he didn’t want Essek to find out about. That coupled with his reaction to the news when they first appeared in the teleportation chamber indicated that this was part of a larger problem, possibly. He hadn’t heard of anything brought up in the court to either the Dusk Captain or Bright Queen herself. Which was in itself odd Bazzoxan was the most dangerous posting for the Aurora Watch in the Dynasty so much so that even the civilians that lived here had basic military training, he would have thought that any issues that severely impacted the effectiveness of the Aurora Watch here would have been reported. Of course there’s the possibility that his brother didn’t want to bring it to their attention for fear looking incompetent which he could also understand but that didn’t sound like Verin. Something was going on here and it seemed like he had actually needed to be here.

“It’s completely unusable. All of the weapons have glaring weak points from being unevenly tempered, the scales on the armor are starting to rust at the joinings, the leather straps and supports are cracked or rotten. We can probably scrounge from what we have already and can repair but it’s going to be a crap shoot on sizing and suitability combined with the new recruits we received all being denless and from the Coronas…” Her voice was grim and trailed off at the end but Essek could infer the meaning that the new recruits would be coming with little to no equipment of their own outside of standard issue not having the funds to purchase better quality on their own. Looking at Verin he could see his brother kneading the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“We’ll figure something out, we always do. Do you know which Den was responsible for the shipment this time? I know that the supply lines change from time to time between a couple of the Dens,” His brother’s voice sounded exhausted as if he had not tranced in far too long. This sounded as if it was a standing reoccurring issue, though he shouldn’t be surprised that the petty squabbling and jockeying for power amongst the Dens extended to this as well. Perhaps if his brother and his brother’s commanders weren’t going to bring it up to Dusk Captain Quana then he should.

“Den Tathisar, was in charge of overseeing the shipments this time. Though we probably should have expected something like this given their Den’s recent fall from grace.” Essek felt his insides grow cold as the realization that this was his fault. _They can’t openly strike out at me or at Den Thelyss, so they will quietly strike out at us through trying to discredit and disgrace Verin. A Taskhand for a Taskhand so to speak._ Beauregard’s pointed questions on the deck of the Ball Eater some days ago now seemed particularly prophetic. _It seems there is much that I failed to consider, consequences in particular that I didn’t account for. Well there may be something that I can do about this one at least. Retaliation would provoke more in kind, but mentioning off-handedly to the Dusk Captain about this incident and any others then letting her decide what to do about it might prevent that. Possibly insinuating that it might not be the Dens at all but agents of the Children of Malice? I need more information._

“Does this happen often? Supply shipments being sabotaged in this manner?” His question seemed to startle both of them, as if they had forgotten that he was standing right there. Normally this would send a sharp flare of irritation through him but this time he was far too unsettled and waiting on an answer that might absolve him of the guilt brewing just under his skin. Verin nodded to Commander Icozorin in clear dismissal and turned to him a tired and resigned expression painted on his face.

“Often enough, usually it’s only ten to twenty percent that is unusable or needs serious repairs not the entire shipment,” His brother trained a sharp gaze on him, “it’s been going on for lifetimes before I took up the position. It’s something that I just have to work around.” That wasn’t a good enough answer or reason for Essek and he shot a sharp look at Commander Icozorin, who hadn’t yet moved away, for further clarification; the sardonic bladed smile she returned before answering gave him the idea that this was going to be another uncomfortable truth.

“I’ve served four lifetimes here and this one will in all likelihood be my last. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that with a few notable or foolish exceptions those of us assigned here are either estranged from our Dens, have displeased either the Bright Queen or the Dusk Captain in some way or our Den’s Umavi. The Dens can do this because we’re in some way inconvenient and the high mortality rate for this outposting will in all likelihood remove their so-called problem children for them. One way to ensure that happens is make sure that those who can’t afford better quality equipment or other supplies don’t get them. Your brother is the only Taskhand to actually do something about it in all my lifetimes.” Her words painted an uncomfortable picture and a niggling doubt started to creep in that even if he mentioned it nothing would be fixed. _I can at least try, it costs me nothing to try and fix this consequence of my actions. Mentioning this to the Dusk Captain won’t draw suspicion to me and might even draw attention away._ Suddenly something else that the commander said struck him and he had to question her about it.

“Are you not planning to return to your post here in your next life then?” Curious if she had cared enough to return five lifetimes in a row, why would she not return again? It didn’t make sense to him though he didn’t quite understand loyalty to a place any more than he understood loyalty to a deity; but, she obviously felt it for this city or more likely for the people who chose to make this outpost their home. Which was a loyalty he was only starting to understand.

“This will be my last life. This posting has killed me four times I doubt that will change in this lifetime either. The only difference is that there is no longer a Beacon kept here, and I doubt there ever will be again; not after it was the first one to go missing. I’ve made my peace with that most of us have. Those that haven’t have already requested redeployment back to Rosohna.” Her words were a punch in the gut and it took everything he had not physically recoil from her words. The sensation of his skin crawling became almost too much to bear as something akin to shame burned through him. Somehow it was different now, he hadn’t truly felt guilty for his actions before. The war was inevitable, it would have started eventually especially with what he now suspected was the Assembly and possibly another party, that wasn’t him, stirring the pot. It had been fine when the people getting hurt were mere abstract numbers. Somehow he’d never considered the long-term consequences, oh he was sure that there was a small vindictive part of him that had wished to see all those who were consecuted facing their inevitable mortality the same as he was. But it had never been his conscious or even his primary goal. Now with a face, a person, and a personality for the consequences of his actions beyond Adeen, who had simply been a convenient patsy whom had already betrayed the Dynasty to the Angel of Irons cult and therefore wasn’t truly innocent, Essek suddenly no longer felt comfortable in his own skin. In fact he rather wished he could go back to that comfortable distance from before where the people affected were faceless numbers. This had been a very bad decision to come here, to accept his brother’s outstretched hand and plea to be better than they were raised.

_I think I finally know why Caleb always looks like he’s weighed down by an awful weight._ He doubted that anything Caleb had done could truly be as terrible with as wide reaching effects as committing treason and starting a war but if it was even a fraction as terrible then he understood. _The difference between you and I is thinner than a razor_ , the phantom feeling of travel callused hands cupping his face fleetingly accompanied the memory of the softly accented words, _he knew that I would end up regretting my actions, beyond how it affected their opinion of me and our friendship._

“Well there’s nothing we can do about it at this moment. Set aside what we can salvage and send the rest to Captain Omrifar’s husband to melt down and forge into something that is hopefully of use. The steel itself should still be good. Talk to Watchman Prevya’s spouse for replacing the leather parts I believe the tanning process for that Horizonback skin should be complete; if so we can use a portion of that to do so. Just take the reimbursement for it out of my pay per usual.” There was a quality to Verin’s voice that made it sound as if he was trying to hurry this conversation along and prevent Essek from asking more questions. However that last line caught his attention, much as Commander Icozorin’s statement had earlier.

“What do you mean by take the reimbursement out of your pay per usual?” because surely that couldn’t mean what it sounded like. Though from the grimace Verin was giving him it was highly likely that it was exactly what it sounded like. Commander Icozorin once again came to his brother’s rescue volunteering information that from the scowl he shot her he didn’t want Essek to know.

“Your brother uses most of his pay to fix things like this situation. Most of the time he’s only leaving himself enough for basic household costs. Why do you think almost all of the Commanders and Watch stationed here support him? As I said before he’s the only Taskhand in most of our lifetimes to actually give a damn rather than write off the Denless members and let them make do with what they can get.” She shot an admonishing look at Verin when he let out a near silent groan, “Sir, if you didn’t want him to know what you do for us then you shouldn’t have said that around him. It’s the Shadowhand’s job to be nosy. Besides someone should know what you do to keep us alive and this place defended.” 

Before he could respond to her comment his brother hurriedly interrupted, “Commander I don’t suppose your wife has already started the morning’s baking yet?” 

It was clearly a desperate attempt to prevent the conversation from going any further and she knew it if the way she threw back her head and laughed was any indication. She turned a sly smile towards them once she had finished laughing, “Why are you craving some of her chocolate cinnamon cobblestones? If so she should have just taken the first batch out of the ovens if I’m correct about the time. Though would you care to correct me if I’m wrong?”

“It’s half past three in the morning,” he had always envied his brother’s memory and sense of time and direction. Verin and Caleb were much alike in that manner. His own mind simply worked too fast jumping from one conclusion to the next never slowing down filtering information at breakneck speeds selecting what details it deemed important and disregarding the rest. He had seen Caleb enter this manic sort of focused state when they worked on the transformation spell for Veth together and occasionally when he was teaching him a new spell; but, it seemed like that was more the exception to the rule and not his baseline the way it was for himself. Case in point he hadn’t even noticed that the three of them had started to move away from the garrison buildings and towards the civilian sector of Bazzoxan, so lost in thought he had been. But as the three of them moved out of the garrison fortifications he could tell where the original settlers had started to build up the city, lavish manses stood empty and in disrepair save for a couple of the smaller ones that had obviously been taken over by Aurora Watch commanders and those members from prominent enough Dens to demand what passed for luxury housing in this place. Most had either been demolished or re-purposed into businesses or fortifications. In a few surprising cases he could see where they had been turned into a couple of rough dining halls and in one case an inn and tavern of sorts complete with a pen containing three Moorbounders that looked vaguely familiar.

Turning down a side alley towards the back of a short squat building, Essek could suddenly smell the warm faintly sweet scent of baking bread. Following his brother and the Commander up to the door that stood half cracked to allow the heat from the massive brick ovens to escape. Commander Icozorin pushed the door open calling, “Direina?” 

“In the front, love. Did you decide that you needed some sugar once you got off work?” There was a suggestive lilt to the answering voice that caused an uncomfortable flush of embarrassment to burn across his cheeks. One would think that after months of the casual and gratuitous innuendo that certain members of the Mighty Nein thought to be appropriate for casual conversation that he would be inured to this sort of thing; however, it seemed that he was not. A snicker to his right told him that his reaction had not gone unnoticed, and he turned a glare on his brother. 

“They’re always like that. No sense of propriety in front of guests,” that last comment was obviously aimed at the couple who were now in silhouetted in the doorway. 

“Your highborn sense of propriety can kiss my ass Verin. My establishment, my rules, and if I want flirt outrageously with my wife in my bakery I will.” The newcomer, whom Essek could only assume was Direina, retorted good naturedly. It had the playful banter of a well-worn argument turned joke and he could only guess that his brother was a frequent customer given the familiarity. Perhaps this wasn’t a terrible decision after all and his brother’s taste in pastries could actually be trusted. Finally taking the time to focus on the baker, a Drow woman at least a head and a half shorter than her wife with close cropped pale blue almost white hair. She gave him a once over glance that felt more like she was sizing him up than anything salacious, thankfully. Her gaze had all the sharp shrewdness that made holding eye contact with Beauregard a test of fortitude and some of his discomfort must have shown on his face because she pulled a disgusted expression. 

“Look I don’t care what Den you’re from or what lofty position you hold, this is my establishment and I won’t be told how to behave in a business I own,” the words were defensive and borderline hostile and Essek could see both his brother and Commander Icozorin tense preparing for a poor reaction on his part. However, the similarities to Beauregard were far too obvious and it drew an honest chuckle to his lips. _I can see why he likes this place. If this bakery were in Rosohna it wouldn’t have the same charm, not with the overwhelming presence of the Umavi in the city._

“I have a feeling that you and Beauregard would get on like a house fire. Hopefully for my own peace of mind, and most likely Verin’s as well, you two never meet.” The image of Beau, Veth, and Jester upending a bag of ball bearings onto the floor simply to see if it would trip him up when they were trying to figure out if he was actually floating came to mind. As did the many painfully awkward attempts at polite hosting with Fjord’s gentle coaching. It would seem that his brother had also made friends with someone who was every bit as prickly and defensive as the monk was. He could see the calculating gleam in Direina’s eyes shift as she decided that he was unlikely to take offense and ushered them into the back of bakery proper. 

“Now I highly doubt that you’re here for my stellar personality, with the exception of my wife, so I can only assume you’re here for my baked goods. So what were you so eager to get your hands on that it couldn’t wait until I opened my doors properly?” She called the question back over her shoulder as she moved to take a pan of some sort of rolls out of one of the ovens using an oversized wooden paddle with a ridiculously long handle. The process was fascinating as Essek could clearly see, that much like Jester, she was far stronger than her appearance would suggest. 

“Well my brother needs to redeem his taste in pastries for one of his wards and given that he has no sweet tooth whatsoever, I decided to help him out. Yours are the best pastries I’ve had so I managed to cut a deal.” Letting Verin do all the talking was probably something of a cop out but he could freely admit that he knew nothing about pastries. Also it felt vaguely wrong to interact on a friendly level with people that he had wronged so badly and were unaware of that fact. It made him feel slightly sick to his stomach just thinking about it. “I don’t suppose you could spare some of your chocolate cinnamon cobblestones? They are your specialty and should be guaranteed to redeem his previous lackluster offering.” He only had a few moments to register why the sudden sly look that crept across her face rang alarm bells in his mind, before it hit him. It was the same kind of expression that Jester got before saying something aimed to make someone blush. 

“Tried to win someone’s affection through the age old tactic of feeding them and fell short of the mark did you?” The innuendo dripped from her words and he could feel the tips of his ears burn at the implications and assumption. Sputtering a bit as he tried to deny the very idea that he was courting any member of the Mighty Nein, let alone Jester; but before he could she continued, “Well you won’t have that issue with my chocolate cinnamon cobblestones. Lieutenant VaSuun graciously pays a lovely courier to pick up cinnamon and chocolate for us imported from Marquette via Port Damali from a contact somewhere near the Savalier Woods to the south. They’re my own creation and you won’t find anything like them anywhere else.” 

Direina held out the tray of rolls that she had just pulled out of the oven and Essek could see that they were coiled buns approximately six inches tall darker streaks of what he could only assume was either the chocolate or cinnamon swirled through the roll. He could see why she had named them cobblestones as they certainly resembled the paving stones used for the streets in the Firmaments and around the Lucid Bastion all packed into the pan. The smell of the freshly baked roll-like pastries was actually tantalizing he found, it didn’t smell cloyingly sweet which honestly probably meant that it wouldn’t be sweet enough for Jester. _How do I tell her that’s probably not going to be considered good enough without insulting her? If I think they smell good and I’m not a fan of sweet foods, Jester will definitely not like it cinnamon and chocolate notwithstanding._ Some of his internal panic must have shown on his face because she chuckled. 

“Tough customer, well I’ll include a few of these anyway because they are my specialty; however, I do have some yunfaalyu plum tarts that are bit sweeter which I can add as well.” Well he supposed it wasn’t Nicodrani Bear Claws or Uthodurn Black Moss Cupcakes but hopefully it would do. Mentally calculating how many he would need given that he was sure that Jester would want at least two and then share them with the others. _Would she want to share them with the crew of their ship as well? I don’t even know how many crew the ship employs, no I should stick to just the Mighty Nein and enough for two each that seems reasonable. That way those that don’t like sweets can have a choice of whether or not to take them and those that do have extras if they would like to share._

“Ah, seven of each should be enough. One of each type for each individual making two pastries per person,” He requested relishing in the way it brought her up short eyes widening as she realized that he was in fact not courting anyone and was in fact buying for multiple people. His satisfaction was short lived though as that sly look from before flashed across her face and she said, “Well aren’t you the ambitious one, courting seven people at once.” 

Essek couldn’t help the way his face and ears burned in exasperated embarrassment and mentally thanked whatever gods were listening that he had had several months of exposure to Jester’s humor to at least be able to tell that Direina was just teasing him to get a reaction and not truly serious. She burst out laughing as did her wife, and his brother. It was reflex to shoot an acidic glare that he didn’t truly mean at Verin for his part in this farce. Thankfully his brother seemed to understand that he wasn’t actually angry over the teasing. _I like this, it feels good? Warm? I don’t have the words for it, but I shouldn’t feel this way._ Things were so difficult to understand right now behaviors and actions that he had been taught were marks of poor breeding and weakness, Essek suddenly wanted to indulge in. The isolation and manipulations of the rigid social structure of the Bright Court and the Dens politics that he had found challenging, mentally stimulating, and a (albeit cold) comfort now felt like an asylum’s straight jacket that no matter how he fought he was unable to break free of. _Verin did say that the process of changing was an uncomfortable one, I wonder how long it took for him to get to this point._

It was an errant thought that stole through his mind as he watched Verin laugh with two obvious friends of his. Now that they were outside of Rosohna, outside of the reach of their Den’s Umavi, and with the crisis if not averted then mitigated somewhat, he could see that his brother was far from the solemn morally rigid sibling that had left two decades prior. _I wonder if he sees the same in me. He can never find out that I’m the one who arranged for the beacons to be stolen and handed over to the Cerberus Assembly. That’s something that I already knew he would never forgive but doubly so now, knowing that I directly wronged the people he cares for._ Essek jolted out of his thoughts as his brother clapped a hand on his shoulder, slightly harder than was strictly necessary in his opinion but he had seen Beauregard do much the same to Caleb on multiple occasions, he wondered perhaps if it was something close siblings did. After all even if they were clearly not related their relationship resembled what he felt a true sibling relationship should. 

“Okay, enough teasing I’m sure my brother would actually like to get some rest before braving mother’s displeasure.” Well Verin wasn’t wrong in that regard he had already had far too many tranceless nights as of late and the thought of facing the Umavi while not at his mental best curdled his insides. He could only hope that she would not want to have a “sunrise” breakfast. Was today supposed to be one of the days of worship when the midnight veil was pulled back? He couldn’t remember, the days were starting to blur together. A box was pressed into his hands and he couldn’t resist a peek inside just to make sure that there were fourteen pastries. Sure enough there were seven of the cobblestone rolls and seven tarts shaped like lotus flowers with each of the wells formed by the puff pastry petals filled with a dollop of yunfaalyu plum filling. If nothing else the artistry in the tarts should make Jester happy. Glancing up he could see the three of them looking at him expectantly. _Oh right payment,_ he thought as he shifted the box to the crook of his right arm allowing him to summon a single platinum coin in payment from his expanded wrist pocket. He was ninety percent sure that he was overpaying but the favor that she had just done for him was well worth the money. 

“I don’t take charity.” The hostility in her voice was startling, what was wrong with him paying in platinum? It was what he carried on him as a general rule since spell components were costly especially when one started getting into advanced or experimental theory and he was able to carry higher sums for less weight in coinage. Blankly looking towards Verin for clarification and aid, he knew her better than Essek did, all he could see was an exasperated expression though whether it was aimed at him, her, or both of them he didn’t know. 

“It’s not charity, Di. That’s all he carries on him, my guess is that he doesn’t actually do any of his household shopping himself and the only thing he does buy for himself are spell components.” _Rude, not wrong but still a little closer to the belt than was strictly necessary_. Verin’s assessment was a bit harsh but it was the truth. _I suppose I’m going to have to get used to purchasing food myself for the time being. I’m not looking forward to my own cooking at least until I can either hire new house staff or find out which one talked._

“It’s the truth, I only have platinum on me currently I meant no offense. If it would make you feel better I could give the money to Verin and he can give you the correct cost? I really am very grateful that you accommodated my request on such short notice before you had officially opened for the day.” Her sour expression eased into something more accepting as she accepted that he couldn’t pay with anything closer to the actual cost and he surmised that he must have grossly overpaid in order to garner that type of reaction. He could hear a weary sigh from his brother and chanced a glance over at him just to make sure that he hadn’t overstepped after all thinking back on what he just said it did sound a bit high handed. His brother was giving him a weary look and upon noticing that he had Essek’s attention he gave a slight nod of agreement. Relief flooded through him, they had both been up far too long at this point and were ready to catch whatever rest they could before duty called again. Handing the platinum coin over to his brother; he watched as his brother dug six silver out of the coin pouch at his waist. _Oh, no wonder she thought I was offering her charity_ , he thought as he realized just how much he had tried to overpay her. Even by gratefulness standards that was excessive.

“Well thank you again for letting us, well me, impose on your hospitality I am very grateful; however, I must be going and I’m sure that my brother would appreciate the opportunity to get some rest.” Even to his ears his words sounded stilted and awkward, causing him to cringe internally. He could only hope that with some rest he would be able to stand on more even ground when it came to interacting with others or the Umavi would eat him alive at breakfast. Verin seemed to sense that he was floundering somewhat as he chimed in, “Indeed, Commander I don’t expect you to report in to your post until midday at the very least considering that you were on duty waiting for me to return past your regular shift. Direina, as always your wares are fantastic and thank you for allowing me steal one of your cobblestone rolls before you officially open the bakery for the day.”

The two of them headed out into the darkness that was gradually edging towards grey. Essek was content to allow his brother lead him towards his manse in silence, nerves faintly scraped raw from the whiplash of emotions, revelations, and non-scripted (for lack of a better word) conversations that he had experienced within the last several hours. However, it seemed that Verin had one more thing to say, as they drew closer to his home.

“I’m glad that I decided to actually try to apologize in person, rather than sending a letter with one of your household staff. I would like to continue getting to know you better outside of what we were raised to be. For what it’s worth.” There was a quiet smile resting on his face warming his expression as they walked side by side. That damning curl of warmth that he had been chasing recently flared its satisfaction bringing a tentative quirk of an answering smile to his own lips. 

“Well I’m surprisingly glad you did as well, though the other option would have been a bit impossible since I dismissed all of my staff shortly after returning to the tower,” perhaps it was the fact that he had not tranced yet and what rest he had gotten in the past days had not been restful at all that possessed him to admit that last part to his brother. _It would be just my luck that I ruin everything just after I manage to start repairing our relationship._ The look of incredulous disappointment that Verin turned on him at those words burned worse than any acid and brought his steps to a stuttering halt. 

“Dismissed as in dismissed permanently or dismissed as in dismissed for the night?” The question wasn’t unexpected but it still provoked the urge to defend his actions. He didn’t get the luxury of being lax with his staff not with his position and the information he handled, among other reasons.

“Dismissed for the time being until I can determine which one of them told the Umavi about the guest room. The nature of my position means that my household staff must have absolute discretion and must not speak to anyone about what goes on inside my household not even an Umavi,” try as he might he was unable to keep the defensive growl out of his tone. Surely Verin could understand, that it wasn’t that he wanted to do so but he couldn’t afford to take that risk. His brother stopped a few paces ahead of him and turned a sad expression on his face that Essek couldn’t quite bring himself to categorize as pity. _Please let me salvage this, I don’t think I can bear to lose whatever this is as well as my friends too._ Watching warily as he pressed his lips together into a thin line a few times before bringing his right hand up to knead the bridge of his nose. 

“Did it ever occur to you that she didn’t know?” _That doesn’t make sense, of course she knew. Why else would she order me to put you up for the night if not to let me know that she was aware of my actions and didn’t approve._ He could feel his shoulders threatening to hunch in on themselves and it was a fight to keep his fingers from crushing the box of pastries. 

“Of course she knew. Why else would she have asked me to host you for the night?” He echoed the thought out loud. The entire idea that she didn’t know was incomprehensible. Clearly his brother thought otherwise but that was absurd he knew the Umavi just as well as Essek did so how could he believe that she didn’t know about it. Verin’s eyes climbed skyward for a brief moment as he clearly marshaled his thoughts together in order to explain his reasoning.

“To keep us at odds with each other,” the words were tired and matter of fact; though something of his confusion must have still been showing because Verin forged on before he could ask anything, “we were too united and ended up thwarting her plans. So she needed to drive a wedge between us. No offence but you have a well-known reputation for being less than social outside of your duties. I was sure I was going to have to spend my trance either on the floor or a stray chair somewhere in your tower. What better a way to keep us at odds than to ensure we resented each other. You for not being a hospitable host and me for being in your space.”

The theory made a certain amount of sense and a looming feeling of unease settled into his stomach as his toes once again touched the street. When had he cast his gravitational field? _She played me for a fool, even after all my precautions to ensure that I always keep the upper hand she still manages to trip me up. Dammit, I hate apologies._

“It seems that I have some more apologies that I need to make.” He murmured. 

“Indeed, they might not agree to come back but it can’t hurt to apologize and explain why.” Turning around and continuing to head towards his manse Verin’s words hung in the early morning air. A few hurried steps put him abreast with his brother again though the silence between them was tenser and less companionable than it was before. By the time they arrived at the manse and Verin keyed open the door to let them into the onyx tiled foyer the feeling of unease had turned into roiling despair. _I suppose this proof that there is nothing redeemable about my personality._ A flick of his left hand summoned the glittering blue gem dust infused chalk so that he could return to the teleportation circle in his tower. At least the chalk circle is consumed when the spell ends, the last thing he wanted to do is make his brother more upset with him. Before he could start chalking the circle Verin reached out and gently caught his wrist.

“I still mean what I said earlier you know, about wanting to know you better. That fact hasn’t changed because you fell prey to mother’s attempt to unsettle you. If you ever want to talk or feel like you need an outside observation or opinion I’m here. I’m sure you can find a way to contact me or otherwise drop in for a visit.” Essek’s heart leapt into his throat as he had to blink rapidly to stop the feeling of relieved tears welling up in his eyes at those words. Looking up to meet his brother’s gaze he was met with earnest silver eyes crinkled up at the corners by a tentative hopeful smile. Try as he might he was unable to see any falsehoods in his brother’s expression. With slightly shaking hands he set the box of pastries down on the foyer’s receiving table and the chalk on top of it. A fluid gesture pulled one of the sending stones that he gave to Lens operatives paired to the master stone he always kept on him out of his Expanded Wrist Pocket.

“Here now you can always get in contact with me, if you want to talk. I keep the master stone on me at all times so barring any times that I’m in a position where I cannot answer the sending I’ll answer. Also feel free to use it if you ever need assistance, as long as I’m physically able I’ll come,” It was as close to a declaration of familial love as he was capable of giving. Holding the stone out Essek could only hope that Verin understood what he wasn’t saying with that proffered item. The slowly widening smile carving itself on his brother’s face brought his heart back down to its proper place in chest instead of his throat. _I can have this, if nothing else works out I can have this. As long as my crimes remain unknown that is._ That particular blade would forever be hanging over his head and at the moment there was nothing that he regretted more, he could only hope that it never fell. 

“Oh believe me I’ll use it, and thanks for listening. I’m glad that we’re making the effort to break free of the way we were raised.” _Me too_ , the thought was too hard to say out loud so he settled for nodding. Verin clasped his hand as took the sending stone with a smile. 

“If I’m going to get any amount of rest before she summons us for breakfast I should probably leave now.” He didn’t want to, he wanted to hold onto this as long as possible. He couldn’t fight the fleeting fear that as soon as he returned to his tower this tentative friendship ( _relationship? Would it still be called friendship if we’re siblings?_ ) would disappear and it would prove to be a wistful dream brought on by his loneliness starved heart grasping at anything to fill the void that the Mighty Nein’s friendship revealed. Still breakfast would prove to be unpleasant and he would need to have all his faculties alert and sharp to make it through unscathed.

Reaching out to grab the box of pastries and the chalk again, he began the process of chalking the teleportation circle on the onyx tile. The circle flared to life as he finished the last chalk stroke. Before he could step fully into the circle Verin spoke.

“Luxon smile upon you. Now get some rest. Light knows we’ve earned it.” For once the traditional sentiment didn’t feel trite and overblown. Enough so that he felt an answering smile steal its way upon his face. Stepping into the circle he turned to face his brother and said, “and upon you. I’m certainly going to need it.” 

The circle flared and he felt that particular push, pull, squeeze sensation that always accompanied teleportation spells no matter if you were using a circle or not. Suddenly he was no longer in the foyer of his brother’s manse but standing in the teleportation circle in the bottom of the tower he used for his research and work. Glancing down at the pasteboard box in his hands with a smile, _I’ll deliver this to Jester after I get some rest and brave the Umavi’s displeasure. If this is what better is, I like it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Given that I now have the entirety of the verbal dialogue written out I should have Verin's side of this chapter out much faster than this one was. Also the Chocolate Cinnamon Cobblestones are loosely based of off a fantastic chocolate marble cinnamon roll type bread/pastry I had on a college breakaway trip to Japan. I have no idea what they were or even where I got them only that it was a bakery in a train station somewhere between Hiroshima and Tokyo. They were absolutely fantastic and I have never had or found anything like them again. So I decided to make them a Bazzoxan specialty.

**Author's Note:**

> There will probably be one more fic in this series where Verin gets to meet the Mighty Nein because the thought wouldn't leave me alone after I posted the first story in this series.


End file.
